Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”

~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~

Me, “I want a divorce.”

*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*

Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!

Me: Thanks, you too

Cinema or bowling

TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better

When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter

[ looking at family pictures ]

Kid: where am I?

Me: you weren’t born yet

[ later ]

Kid: *drawing family*

Me: where’s mommy?

Kid: you weren’t born yet

Damn

Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.

But weight, there’s more!

– Thanksgiving

If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”

Mean things I kind of want to do:

1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.

2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”

I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.

I take after my dad.

No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh

if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich

*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*

Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.

I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.

It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?

The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout

WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD

I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.

i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic

*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*

[2 seconds later]

Shit I need a paper clip

“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts

Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.

My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.

So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?

Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?

Me: Can you explain your haircut?

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.

This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.

And whats Beth short for? he asked.

Because shes only three. I answered.

When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”

Less bleeding is good for not being dead.

Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.