Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?

She should play the lottery too !

I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.

Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.

I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.

Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?

Wife: Well, it wa….

Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes

depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time

I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.

You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.

Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.

Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.

Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.

DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl

Ways to look busy:

1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed

Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.

i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”

I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.

*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*

In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.

If the sun is so hot how come it’s single

Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.

Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.

hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]

me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen

hitman:

Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!

Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.

This sounds bad:

Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

Always the vampires

Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.

Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel

Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?