I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 馃槨
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Werent we promised soylent green by now?
I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Wife: our daughter can鈥檛 find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn鈥檛 you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you鈥檙e not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there鈥檚 some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you鈥檙e right I need more pigeons
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don鈥檛 like this.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Hey that’s my circus! *does double take* And my monkeys!!
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating