Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips

Therapist: So what’s the problem?

Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.

Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.

*lowers foot that was raised*

I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation

PRO TIP:

Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you

7: Mommy look!

Me: Ok

7: Look at me!

Me: I’m looking

7: Look!

Me: I AM!

7: Why aren’t you looking?!

Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!

7: Wow. You’ve got a temper

Me:

7: And staring is rude

Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.

Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?

Me: Yeah! Slept.

Husband: Correct, good night.

my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here

me: i hate camping too

my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.

You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead

All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.

imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”

Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well

8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.

Me: Your old shoes were red, too.

8: These are redder.

As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.

Also the dumbest.

i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.

Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.

Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?

Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.

breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds

lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water

dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?

I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler

Brought home almond milk from the grocery store

My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….

Me: No

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?

HDMI

Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.

Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…

Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!