I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 馃槨
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*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Almost quitting time鈥heers!馃
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don鈥檛 move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won鈥檛 happen until yesterday.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don鈥檛 get eaten by a wolf.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I鈥檓 terribly sorry sir, but pets aren鈥檛 allowed in here
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Dog sitting my sister鈥檚 terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It鈥檚 cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that鈥檚 not why he鈥檚 mad
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it鈥檚 called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Just had my nails done!
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say itMe: That鈥檚 crazy
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that鈥檚 only if you鈥檙e doing it right
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let鈥檚 pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
my retirement plan is braless
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.