Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i think both sides are to blame here

Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon

Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently

“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”

“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.

Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.

Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.

New to Twitter cheat sheet:

AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else

When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”

I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)

I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS

911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now

Paint me like one of your French girls….

With a big fat croissant in my mouth

HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps

Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn

Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore

Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad

I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.

I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”

He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”

I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”

Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.

The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.

“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏

King: the rebels are revolting

Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that

King: no, no, I mea-

Rebels: why king

People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day

Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing

It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.

“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.

My biological clock is wheezing.

*me brushing my daughter’s hair

my watch: are you working out?

Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.