Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules

[meeting]

DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI

PRODUCER: Yes!

D: A huge cast

P: Agreed!

D: Realistic family photos

P: We don’t have the budget

Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???

I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.

Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”

Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”

I’m not saying I’m an idiot…

But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.

Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace

me at 20: i’ll do anything.

me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.

[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.

told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card

I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper

“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.

“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”

– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day

*me

Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.

My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.

My husband: Get used to it kid.

Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.

Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.

*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*

A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.

“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”

Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here

I have two things hanging up in my office:

1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did

Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur

Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t

Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-

me: I’m cold this is boring

i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.

eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.

Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?

Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium

her: isn’t my baby beautiful

me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…precious

her: you said all of that out loud