Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.

Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED

[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets

My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes

Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world

I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.

It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis

🐟✨ #re4

If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.

Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!

Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.

Me: Yes. She did that.

Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow

Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u

I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in

Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT

waiter: “anything to drink?”

4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”

So, yeah, they’re always listening.

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that

She texted me, “I love U”

So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”

Now my CD’s are missing.

Weird!

Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:

8am: breakfast

8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap

6:30pm: dinner

7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark

[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.

I wish I were this cool 😂

My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.

Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class

wife: did you get the kids from daycare?

me: we don’t have any kids

wife: yeah you were supposed to get some

Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!

CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap

My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.

It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”.

I don’t even know where that is.

*chugging beers at 11am*

Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!

Me: That’s today?

when you are just born a rebel