I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
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Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Looks like Alexander Graham Bell is calling me.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
*pouring wine over ice cream*
No, I had a great day. Why do you ask?
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
it’s not been my year
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK