I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
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I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work