I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
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Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
My friend asked if I had any spare cash to pay for his straw.
Unfortunately l hadn’t got the bale money
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t, down comes from ducks and geese
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”