I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
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my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves![]()
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping