Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same

Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.

Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning

Me: Haha, I saw that

Her: What?

Me: What?

Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.

villager: ah! run! it’s frankenstein!

dr. frankenstein: actually, i’m frankenstein. you can call him frankenstein’s-

frankenstein’s monster: *glaring*

dr. frankenstein: frankenstein’s friend

Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain

In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.

dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why

They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef

me: can i please have some more?

bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty

me: you’re killing it

my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say

BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.

*phone rings*

Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’

Me: ‘Could you do it?’

i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess

Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.

career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons

*Midwesterners validating weather*

-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”

99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”

20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”

47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”

Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.

BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!

[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]

I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.

Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.

getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently

Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.

I asked my coworker what he got his wife for Christmas and he said “a vacuum” and I was like damn did u get her an exercise bike too and he had no idea what I was talking about

If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.

date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side

me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu

911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND

[ DURING SEX ]

Me: Who’s a bad hand!?

For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”

When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.