Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org

PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-

TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now

BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-

ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]

I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.

[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”

“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.

How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase

That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.

Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.

“You should only have to tell them once”

– People with no children

If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach

Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?

Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.

me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me

dad: and they like you?

me: haha oh goodness no

WIFE: Where’s the dog?

*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*

ME: I let him outside.

my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.

Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.

What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?

Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*

A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.

passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?

jackfruit: oh nothing

As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.

“When in doubt, drag it out”

– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies

Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”

Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”

Me: “Oh, boy.”

I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.

ME: I’m anti-murder

MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded

Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.