I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
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My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Stick it to the man
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
you gotta be faster
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Adds what I’m about to eat to my grocery list
takes a bite
Removes it from my grocery list
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming