“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
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imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my drinking, and it’s time that I put down the bottle. Mom says I’m ready for a sippy cup now.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
A wise man once said nothing.