Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒

held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast

[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks

police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo

If you love something, set it free…

Except if ‘It’ is a man.

Because he’ll get lost,

and won’t ask for directions.

If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?

“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”

I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.

Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.

I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.

DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush

ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing

I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.

I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.

Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.

peep davidson

My brain is a bad influence on me

Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush

please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.

automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT

I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.

If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.

“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.

me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!

7yo: What’s the radio?

Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.

Fun fact:

Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.

<—- homeless romantic

My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.

The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.

It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.

The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.

Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.

Thank you, Internet.

Thank you.

Forty is the new thirty!

At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.