I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
You Might Also Like
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.