I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
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Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
hmmmmmm
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.