Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen

I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.

Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.

~family owned restaurants.

He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…

*puts on sunglasses*

In the dust.

I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.

Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.

Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake

“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit

Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet

After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.

We believe you.

For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.

Me: objection your honour!

Judge : sustained

Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’

If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.

Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst

people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over

The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.

Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*

[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day

[about to invent toaster]

i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread

wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.

Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while

UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”

Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.

[At the restaurant]

Her: Can you pass the salt, please?

Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.

It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.

Well well well if it isn’t the same bill I couldn’t afford to pay in a different color

I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.

Cats are so graceful and light-footed.

[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]

M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.

H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.

M-

H-

M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.

In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.