I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
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[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.