I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
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It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Give a baker flours on your first date.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006