I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
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When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:
Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠
my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home