I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
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My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
my nickname in college
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
🤣😂🤣😂
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it