Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.

*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all

*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few

ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others

me: thats not me

Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you

me: nah thats not me

ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him

My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.

me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city

delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives

me: ..you’re so pretty

*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.

Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges

Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook

hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan

We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.

I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.

It’s blood…I’m made of blood.

Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.

CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK

I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.

[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016

After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:

“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.

Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.

*eats a carrot*

*checks off new year’s resolution*

btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing

my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun

“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”

-first taxidermist

If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get

I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.

Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.

It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well

who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day

I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.