I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
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Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
im a single issue voter and this is my issue
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Text a coworker at a random time “are you joining this meeting?” as a fun holiday prank
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”