I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
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unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
These aren’t even hard anymore.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.