I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
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Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
termites walking up to the ark: two please
noah: any dietary restrictions?
termite: yeah we only eat woo—
noah:
termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool
noah:
termites:
noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
sometimes we need to be reminded
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Denise please return my vape pen
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]