Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired

Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds

I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.

Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?

*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*

Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.

DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs

ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had

Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.

*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer

It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets

WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?

ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well

I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.

The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.

Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.

Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.

I just like to keep my options open

-me, setting six alarms on my phone

Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”

I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good

Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.

Me:

Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…

Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.

A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:

“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”

Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.

Good day meowlady

* tips cat

i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.

Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?

I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.

My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.

Me: That was fun! Fist me!

Him: What?!

Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*

Him: …..

Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.

If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.

Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.

why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime