Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.

[best read with a French accent]

“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”

They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.

I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm

I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.

As long as that distance is 300 miles.

CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.

When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.

Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.

I really had high hopes for this year though

[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy

[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”

My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.

Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.

How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life

When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.

why I oughta

Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.

How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?

date: do you like reading?

me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?

Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.

Luke: But why?

Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.

Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.

Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.

This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose

Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.

People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?

[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.

Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.

learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar

I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.

But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?