Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.

Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.

Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.

*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.

Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.

My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.

[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u

Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.

Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?

You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices

“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”

I’m not sad, I’m big moaned

cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly

[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi

I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.

me: I need to see the doctor

receptionist: ok, name?

me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair

I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes

My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:

“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”

is this store having a stroke wtf

Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played

I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry