I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
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When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Breaking news:
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain