I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
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“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.