I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
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Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
A late person is never happier than when the person they’re meeting is later than them
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
“you’re a psychopath” at least i’m on a path babe sort your life out
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
What is the difference between unlawful and illegal?
One is against the law, the other is a sick bird
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked