Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Considering “natural” childbirth?

You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.

I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.

Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!

her: I’m bored

me: let me take you out and show you a good time

her: ok

[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having fun

her: I see

Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN

i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM

[pulled over by cop]

COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?

MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]

Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.

every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again

Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize

gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots

My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.

I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.

mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes

me: with what

Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they

I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It

My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’

Same, kid. Same.

Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.

I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.

Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?

My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.

Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”

Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.

[Putting on a fitted sheet]

Me: Dammit this is the short side.

Me: This is somehow also the short side.

My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward

I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.

RT if you could go either way.

Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???

Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.