Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.

Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.

6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀

host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]

Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now

The Universe: hold my beer

When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost

“Today is chest and leg day!”

-me, ordering at KFC

Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet

hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.

I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence

As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭

kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him

Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.

Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.

ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol

PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do

the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village

i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down

Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.

Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!

I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.

Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing

just in case someone hasn’t told you today,

i’m gorgeous.

*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf

I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer

wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*

Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.

I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.

News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave

Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*

Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.

Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.

*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*