31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
You Might Also Like
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
👾👾👾
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.