I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
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Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”
Me: “Officer, I’m focused on the future.”
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,
“You’re making a big moose steak.”
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Okay, he’s ricocheted off a few buildings, but he seems fine now.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.