Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers

Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one

ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?

GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?

Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans

me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower

prison guard: those are ramen noodles

I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.

As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.

Time flies like an arrow…

But fruit flies like a banana.

one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME

I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.

Dance like you’re not the father

i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony

My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.

I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.

I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen

judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him

ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”

INTERVIEWER: you’re fired

ME: you haven’t even hired me yet

INTERVIEWER: you’re fired

5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?

Me: After lunch time

5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now

My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.

What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?

If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.

When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.

This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret

What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?

An acquaintance

Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.

I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.

I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.

I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.

[Life after lockdown]

My Hairstylist: WTF

Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.

Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?