Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.

[things I worry about on vacation]

1) Getting eaten by a shark

2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny

I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.

The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne

How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.

caterpillar: *walks*

snake: okay what

caterpillar: *grows wings*

snake: OKAY WHAT

Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*

My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.

I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?

My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.

I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”

When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear

put goat milk on the menu, everyone cheers
put goat juice on the menu, you get a visit from the health inspector
what’s that about

Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.

I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.

Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.

Seductively sings in Klingon.

date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous

me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha

The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed

[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]

I’m protesting the climate.

People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work

i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip

OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.

ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.

I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.

Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.

It’s the new Audi Torium.

Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!

Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before

I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.

Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded

Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..

INTERLOCKED FINGERS?

send bail money!

GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!

GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?

Me: I’m on the carnival diet.

Person: You mean the carnivore diet?

Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.

Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero