Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.

Don’t be afraid to love yourself…

…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.

Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.

I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.

If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.

Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.

[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming

My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.

Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.

too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”

My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.

She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”

I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.

i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me

Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.

Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.

My dad: Please let me speak to him.

Kidnapper: He’s here.

My dad: You left the fan on, again.

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

Yeah….so is a grenade

I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.

Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal

You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.

history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.

Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.

Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.

Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*

I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.

It took a lot longer than I thought it would.

Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.

I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?

I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it

screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them

NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!

ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?

“don’t worry about a thing”

“why”

“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”

“what about all the big things”

“ooh forgot about big things”

Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance

If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.

You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.