I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
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Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?