I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.
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When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.
Placation.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.