I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.
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1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
it’s a van. how do they not know this
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.