I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.
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I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff