Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.

Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.

ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is

Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.

I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.

My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.

me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”

Priorities

Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle

banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients

Merry Christmas

Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.

I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.

*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*

Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.

What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.

I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.

If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.

It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”

My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.

8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?

Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.

It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.

*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest

6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream

Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair

They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.

Husband: Give me one example.

Me: ALL the times.

Husband: Those don’t count.

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road

Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”

I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.