I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
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My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Truth
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
he’s a little confused but he got the spirit
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like