I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
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What element do criminals hate to see?
Copper
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation