I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
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*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
I might give this a try 😏
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Goodnight 🐶