Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig

This is a whole mood;

The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind

my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom

One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.

*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”

Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher

when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating

Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.

box: meow

schrodinger: ignore that

At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.

Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”

Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”

Me: “I’ll be right back.”

If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.

dog 911: what’s ur emergency?

dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE

dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?

dog: [whimpering]

dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass

In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.

I am never leaving this website

I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today

[lights 2016 calendar on fire]

There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”

Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”

this makes me so uncomfortable

Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws

Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT

Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…

English teacher: I’m listening

The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.

Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly

Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit

– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.

Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.

Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.

We’ve all been there…

Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me: