I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
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[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Doctors always givin me ibuprofen, b**ch give me something I can sell.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
me: i had an accident
insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
We need it on priority
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.