My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
I don’t worry when two shopping carts are stuck together, I just go with it and use both…or three. Today I had a row of ten.
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Starting to suspect I was bitten by a radioactive idiot
Whenever anyone quotes the Bible to me I quote Harry Potter to them because I too love a good magical fiction book.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
“son, did i ever tell you about how I served in Nom?”
“dad, don’t you mean Nam?”
“sorry son i ate a small cake at the end of that sentence”
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
This mosquito that bit me is going to regret doing it , have fun being on birth control , valium and beer mf .