Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@TheVulgarVag

i am practicing how to die in photogenic positions

@dave_cactus

ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?

@OfficeofSteve

I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes

@_Mo_lee_

Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p

@dreamthievin

Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot

@taxiderby

Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no

@B1gBrainsMcGee

If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs

@jmabell

“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies

@dafloydsta

[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?

@HeyZeus666

I could lose 120 pounds in less than a week, but apparently there’s some kind of silly NewYork law against killing your ex.