I don’t worry when two shopping carts are stuck together, I just go with it and use both…or three. Today I had a row of ten.

You Might Also Like


My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor


Whenever anyone quotes the Bible to me I quote Harry Potter to them because I too love a good magical fiction book.


Him: You seem super chill.

Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.


GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made

ANGELS: [confused applause]


[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed


Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows


“son, did i ever tell you about how I served in Nom?”
“dad, don’t you mean Nam?”
“sorry son i ate a small cake at the end of that sentence”


ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda


This mosquito that bit me is going to regret doing it , have fun being on birth control , valium and beer mf .