when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
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The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
me opening up to someone
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.