I don’t worry when two shopping carts are stuck together, I just go with it and use both…or three. Today I had a row of ten.

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ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?


I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes


Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p


Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot


Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon: no


If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs


“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies


[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?


I could lose 120 pounds in less than a week, but apparently there’s some kind of silly NewYork law against killing your ex.