I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
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Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals