I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
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my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Server: Have you dined before?
Me: Have I d- like in general?
Server:
Me: Yeah. Yes.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
