I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
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me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
how do i become a farmer do i apply somewhere or just like start digging
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Me: This escape room sucks
My boss: This is a budget meeting…
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.