I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
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I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.