I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
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wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
I had a parent text me saying her 7yo son wouldn’t believe that she knew how to do a math homework problem he was confused about, and would I please text back saying she is correct so that he will get ready for bed. 😂
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.