I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
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me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
I had to Stop for this
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.