Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

all that yoga finally paid off

*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”

Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.

Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me

It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.

Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.

I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland

5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?

How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years

If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process

jokes on you i can still tweet in a straitjacket

My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.

Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”

Me, “lol do you have a pen?”

“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.

Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago

What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓

*first date*

Her: I’m a criminologist.

Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.

doctor: the good news is you’re dying

me: how is that good news??

doctor: i don’t like you

I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible

Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.

My math is correct, just ask any parent.

[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no

Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes

Angel: Whatcha makin?

God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.

Angel: That sounds innovative-

God: Others will eat them and die

Angel: …is this a prank?

The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.

If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.

Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!

Masseuse: Please stop saying that

Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.

I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.

Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.