I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
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I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Carpe DM
I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.
Tastes like chicken.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
#winning
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?