I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
You Might Also Like
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Ion see the issue
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.