I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
You Might Also Like
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
This is enough internet for the day.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Breaking news:
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly