Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
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Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
*pokes sex life with a stick
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.