[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
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Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems