Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.

Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?

Doctor: We can try, but I never met him

me: what does that cloud look like to you?

her: please just open the parachute

Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.

You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.

please stand back I’m about to make this worse

Jeans are once again asking too much of me.

*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin

Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex

My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy

I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees

I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.

If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department

Wise advice

INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?

My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.

The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.

Happy Halloween!

[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.

Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.

Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams

*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.

every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family

Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA

Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself

Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.

Me: I want to travel

Bank account: Where? To work?

I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.

I spilled the beans.

If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.

lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw

That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..