Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.

me when the borders lift

I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior

Economists trying to explain how inflation is real

My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.

She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.

Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.

If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?

We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot

A short story of betrayal:

grampa: why are u always on ur phone

me: why didn’t u stop hitler

my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse

Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”

Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.

Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.

BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…

The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.

Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺

of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool

If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.

Carry on floating head selfie chick.

Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′

Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television

Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there

Me: ok got it

In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her

If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?

Muppet Screams

Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame

me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake

spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.

Also I’m sorta crunchy.

New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th

The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.

Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.