Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children

A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble

I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere

[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]

6YO: Daddy you’re so talented

Me: Awww Thank Y..

6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing

Hmmmmm

When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”

A flock of dads is called a grill.

I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon

me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again

friend: so go back for seconds?

me: no probably longer than that

Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.

My humor is broken

*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*

May it please the Court.

[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Very slight chuckle*

*Scrolling*

Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.

It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.

Passed by a old school Math example today.

Whoa. I guess one dude quit:

Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.

For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.

I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.

[being taken hostage]

*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest

Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”

I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.

I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.

Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection

My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.

[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left

I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.

I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.