Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]

Me: *trying to hock a loogie*

Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.

When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?

Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?

I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷‍♂️

Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.

[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all

The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.

The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.

Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”

doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?

Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%

The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.

Him: You have such a beautiful soul.

Me: It’s photoshopped.

5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad

If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.

flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?

dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you

me: not now, dad

dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?

me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn

dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps

me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]

the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful

me: it can be

The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!

My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.

I gave her money for her ticket.

The boy paid.

I did not get my money back.

I learned an important lesson about dating today.

A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”

retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?

I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around

I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.

Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.

Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.

“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff

I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.

“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography