Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?

me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?

Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

time machine? you mean a clock?

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

Him: You seem super chill.

Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.

What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?

“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real

Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”

Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”

My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.

what it’s like dating me:

me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time

my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read

me: absolutely not

Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.

What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?

“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.

Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.

Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?

*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*

genie: and for your third wish?

me: that you fall in love with me

[later]

me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list

first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats

Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏

*I mean there’s construction on our street

a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles

BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?

He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks

I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.

Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.

My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.

Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.

DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.

Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”

My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons

“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”