I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
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This is my emotional support knife.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
For those of you wondering why there’s no swim-up bar in the Olympic pool that swimmers can visit mid-race for a pina colada, it’s for financial reasons: given the cost of hiring bar staff and the 8-person limit in the pool, there’s just no way a bar would be financially viable.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient
Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts