Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.

911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?

Patient: I think so. I was asleep.

911: Any idea what set him off?

Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.

there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy

asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta

me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.

If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.

Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.

I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints

I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…

me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket

“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward

Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.

I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!

After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.

My patronus is a cheeseburger

*downloading the new earthquake warning app*

*setting to vibrate mode*

5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.

Reasons to not eat cookies:

– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.

End of list

[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”

[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5

My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩

“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.

*tucks napkin into my shirt*

This meal could get messy.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁

Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.

Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?

Me: I thought it was a carnival

FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.

Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.

I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.

if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this

I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.

My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.