I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
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Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box