Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Best correction of the day, if not ever:

Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army

[Putting on a fitted sheet]

Me: Dammit this is the short side.

Me: This is somehow also the short side.

Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.

If you’re the owner of a feathered chicken suit and you’ve never gotten naked and put it on inside out, get ready for a memorable night.

I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)

Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.

When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..

I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense

I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.

Tip for twitter newbies:

Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.

her: [during roleplay] come get me

me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me

ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?

Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.

Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.

I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.

me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us

ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?

me: oh no

2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant

3rd ghost: pleasant

4th ghost: pleasant

5th ghost: pleasant

Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years

by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance

“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.

Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.

Me: Okay.

Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?

Me: Quick

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.

Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!

Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!

Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.

I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:

Heyyyy Macarena.

Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat

Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.

I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.

– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me: