I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
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My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.